Sunday, February 22, 2009

Fork or Spoon: Why Decide?

Today we're examining the Spork.

A few weeks ago, I dragged my family through a Popeye's drive through. Never had Popeye's before. But it wasn't bad. Well, the chicken wasn't bad. I didn't care for the slaw or the mashed potatoes. The gravy smelled the hallway of a Comfort Inn. Or crotch. Those two smells are kind of interchangeable.

The chicken was crispier than I normally like. But I didn't feel dirty after I finished eating it. No unspeakable, conscience-weighing guilt. In other words, we're still Baptists.

Popeye's gave us sporks. I love the spork. LOVE it. It's the perfect eating utensil for many occasions. A clever combination of fork and spoon. Proof that inter-racial marriages can work. The spork was built for a stew or hearty soup. Every time Mrs. Z serves stew or pot pie, she'll ask if I want a fork or spoon. Sometimes, I'll say, "both," because really, you need both for stew or pot pie. Then I feel bad that she'll have to wash both after wards. Frequently, I'll pick one and spend the entire meal wishing I had chosen the other one.

It's sad really: that a stew can cause such buyer's remorse.

Enter the spork.

The spork was the best part of my public school education. I don't think we had forks at all in elementary school. Or middle school either. We sporked our spaghetti. Sporked the corn. Sporked the peas. I know for a fact I sporked the cake. When I wasn't shoveling it in by hand. I cannot say whether I ever sporked the tots.

So I'm left to wonder: am I the only one who loves him the Spork? I must be in the minority, because I don't believe I've ever seen a spork in silver ware. We certainly don't have any silver sporks. But we should.

And if they made a set, I'd buy it.

This isn't like wanting a calculator in my watch. Another brilliant idea which manifested itself during my middle school years but which I outgrew. I have a calculator in my phone now. My Garmin, too come to think of it. I have no real need for one in my watch.

But I can still use the Spork. In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to go to a fast food restaurant to get a spork. Alabama would have both an offense and a defense. President Obama wouldn't raise taxes on the so-called rich (which we know won't raise revenue but instead reduce it). Michael Vick would have to get a real job and Disney would return to cleaning its hotel rooms with both a vaccum and bleach products. My own blog wouldn't give me agita sometimes for no reason at all. Little Debbie wouldn't be such a temptress and the Cartographers for Social Equality would be taken more seriously.

If only.


  1. Hello!! I don't know if you guys will remember me but I'm going to comment anyway.

    Although the spork may not appear to be the classiest of the silverware family they are very useful. They may seem like they want to take over and make the fork and spoon obsolete but really all they want is a good cookie. If you don't believe me just watch Lord of the Beans. VeggieTales knows all!!

    Have a good week everyone!!

    P.S. Isn't a good cookie all anyone really wants?

  2. Every time Mrs. Z serves stew or pot pie, she'll ask if I want a fork or spoon. Sometimes, I'll say, "both," because really, you need both for stew or pot pie. Then I feel bad that she'll have to wash both after wards.

    ...Sad the Man Born With a Silver Spork in his Mouth.....

    Gee, ever think of washing them yourself?!?!? That pretty much gets rid of the guilt, TFI.

    Thanks for the italics tips, La. I actually went into blogger help the other day and figured it out. But then I was locked out of the comments section of the Plaid chapter for several days. Don't ask me why. Maybe the Blogger peeps decided I was too stupid to post. And yet, here I am ; )

    NM, I think you should pick up Jami on your way down this week. I don't like it when her heart hurts :(

  3. OH, I forgot to say HI to YAJ!! Welcome back to our crazy world, Jen. Now, where's your hubby??

  4. LOL, You really never do see a spork in a set of flatware...


  5. ZZUB:

    I love everything you write, but the obscure West Wing references just leave me DED.

    Gotta go clean the coffee off of my computer screen.

    And thanks for the music!


  6. Having gone to a Catholic school, where lunch was either eating by walking home at lunch time, or carrying it to school in a metal lunchbox with a glass lined Thermos (we lived on the edge), I was denied a Spork filled youth. Something I regret daily. I think the only time I held a spork was when we'd go to the public school cafeteria for free lunch on summer afternoons... if mom only knew we were eating that carp instead of the sandwiches she made for us.
    I feel so denied, so empty, so incomplete, like Mels TR's.
    I think I need to find me a Popeyes to swipe some sporks from, and live out my dreams of meals enjoyed with a spork.

  7. "Little Debbie wouldn't be such a temptress"

    I love that!! Who knew that a "girl next door" could bring so many people to their knees? lol

    Ash-Master Gracie is lurking. I know he has found the blog. I'm not sure why he hasn't posted.

    P.S. I don't know how to quote or make anything italics. I'm lucky just to get a post up.

  8. Sadly, I know nothing of Popeye's.

    Buttering Poptarts....I'll have to ponder that one for a bit.

    The only thing about upsidedown frosted poptarts is when they put that sprinkly stuff on. Do they do that to your poptarts? Our strawberry ones are frosted with sprinklies. Majorly weird texture thing with the blind frosting experience. I think.

    Sporks, I do know of. You can get real ones at Eddie Bauer. I think again.

    Hey YAJ - nice to see you! And very borg on the fancy blog fonting. I'm sometimes lucky to string together a sentence!

    La - I thought the new LahLah over at the other place might have been a Canadian version of you and Mel was up to her old tricks doing impersonations.

    MN - don't go picking up Jami, you'll have to go up to go down. Have her come to you! Enjoy your trip!

    Who's blog is this again?

    Nice music!

  9. OOops - MN - I meant NM! (sorry NM!)

    See what I mean.

    Now if someone could tell me how to edit.

    That would be good.

    Have a great day!

  10. In fact, silver sporks do fact, they even come in sets of 18 (if you require that many).

  11. Zzub, you're the only guy I know who could write an entire blog entry about sporks, and not only get away with it but actually be entertaining!

    If you start a silverware company that makes sporks, I'll buy a set. ;)

  12. Love the WW reference - as a matter of fact, while I was watching the Oscars last night (yeah, so shoot me) they showed a quick clip of Tom Hanks' Philadelphia acceptance speech - "the streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight". Didn't realize Sam plagiarized Tom Hanks.

  13. Well, well, well. Just who, in the internetz world, decided that it was a good idea to turn the zoo over to the monkeys? Or Bama fans...tomato, tomahto.

    So, how ya been Zzubster? You must have been happy for 7/8ths of last year's college football season. Darn those Gators and...what...Utes? Utes? How, exactly, does one lose to a mythical creature?

    Anywho, I hope you're happy. YAJ spent the day at the house (she's a housewife now) reading the last of your trainwre...umm...trip reports and couldn't find the last bits. So she calls me...ME...and asks what happened. Like I read it. *shakes head*

    So recount (or recant, whichever is appropriate), if you will the last part of that particular tale. So she can move on to more important cooking my supper.

    *ducks the flying cookware*

    I kid, I kid.

    So, nice to see you all again. For those of you that don't know it, YAJ and I are heading to the World this weekend. I decided we needed a break. I am debating on whether or not to write a TR.

    Alright, work calls.


  14. Things that make me go hmmmm....I've never considered the spork. At all. I'm not sure I've even used one. And if I did, I'm sure I threw it away when I was done.

    Thanks to your musings maybe next time I'll hang on to it. And try it with various foods to see how well it works.

    Thanks also for the vocabulary lesson. I had to look up Agita to see what it was. Turns out I have it too. Who knew!

    Another good job Zzub! Keep up the good work. Oh and take some Nexium for that agita! LOL!

  15. "wasn't bad"? "wasn't bad"?! Blasphemy!

    Anyway, you got the wrong sides. You're supposed to get the fries and red beans. And you didn't say if you got spicy or mild. That could very well be the problem. I'm having my traditional Popeye's breakfast tomorrow morning. Now off for a night of debauchery. Happy Mardi Gras!

  16. So this is what it's come to?!

    Spork discussions?

    That's the best you can do?! Maybe next week you can ponder the many facets of the Swiss Army knife.

    Personally, I think I'd rather discuss pork. Which is probably what you meant, you just misspelled it. And along that train of thought, let me say this: it may look like a fork and act like a fork, ZZUB. But deep down, it's nothing more than a spoon. It's just a big spoon.

    Stop fooling yourself.

    And I can honestly say that although the idea of the spork does amuse me, I've never once swiped one from a KFC and brought it home with me. Honey mustard packs, yes. And often. But never a spork. I'm more intrigued by the teeny tiny wooden spoon that comes tucked inside the single serving Ben and Jerry's ice cream cup. Now THOSE are cute.

    Moving on.

    Am I the only one experiencing some technical difficulty with the Philharmagic offering? It was playing very quietly a few minutes ago and since I'm the only one up and the rest of the house is quiet, it completely freaked me the heck out. As I was typing, I momentarily forgot I'd turned it on. So I'm looking around the house wondering what's making that freaky noise. I thought one of the girl's baby dolls had gotten stuck and was pulling a Chuckie on me. Sounded a heck of a lot more like Chuckie than Mickey. Just the MEMORY of it is enough to make me yodel in my sleep.

    And I'm not even asleep yet.

    Freaky imaginary doll voices aside, I'm loving Busindre Reel. I think the only way I could love it any better is if it were on a CD. Playing in my car as I made my way down the road toward the sunset.

    With an evening in Epicot fondly on my mind.

    Good stuff, that.

    Night, losers. I'm off to wake the neighbors with my inevitable yodeling/screaming bit.


  17. Hey, it's Master Gracie and Mrs. Gracie! Excellent to see you two again. Sorry that Tennessee sucked as bad as they did this year. But I'm glad you've returned so I can rub your nose in it.

    BTW: thanks for hiring Lane Kiffin. He's skinnier than his predecessor but (if possible) an even bigger bafoon.

    As for why my TR got moved and locked: the short answer is, nobody knows for sure. I went to lunch one day, came back and my TR was on the CB. There was a post from one of the Administrators which said it wasn't really a TR and didn't belong on the TR board. Questions about the decision went unanswered. A thread was started by GreatBiscuit on the CB and after about 20 minutes it got deleted. Eventually, my TR showed back up in the Completed TR board. With a big fat lock on it.

    So I moved.

    Now I have to re-read my blog entry. Evidently, I've included an obscure WW reference. Who knew?

    Brandt: I haven't googled it, but that's too clever a turn of phrase for Tom Hanks. My guess is that he lifted it from something else and Sam was borrowing from the original source. Please google and return with your findings.

    LaLa: perhaps you should stop with the Nyquil. You're getting weird (er).

    Ashclan: would that this place had ignore. Wash it myself?!


  18. Oh so that is what happened to the TR. I just thought you might have become overwhelmed with depression because Obama won. I noticed that the last post was in November. I would have thought that you would have been an Obama fan since you are a Bama fan.

    Bama Fan....O-Bama Fan
    I'm sure I'm not the first to make that joke nor will I be the last.

    One word about the washing of the silverware: Dishwasher!! Then no one has to wash it and no guilt and no extra work.

    La-Funny thing about the music. Neither Master Gracie nor I knew that there was music attached to the blog so the first time I looked at it I assumed that the music was coming from across the room from MG's computer. He had a video game going. Then later on he pulled it up and heard the music. He then asked me if I still had the video game going (we play the same game) because he thought I had closed it and he couldn't figure out where the music was coming from. After some detective work we realized the blog was singing to us. hehe We could be spys, you know.

    Oh we also know this teenager, he swipes sporks everytime he goes to Taco Bell. I don't mean one or two. I mean he cleans out the tubs and fills his bag. Apparently, he is supposed to do the dishes at his house and so he steal plasticware from fast food places and he doesn't have to wash anything.

    Oh well I'm babbling. I'm trying to procrastinate by posting on this blog. I'll stop now. Have a good day.

  19. Zzub, you truly need to consider purchasing one of these maybe?

  20. Speaking of cake....

    I heard this by Jim Gaffigan the other day and thought of you.

  21. My official Popeye's order? Two piece dark, spicy, with red beans and rice. Their smashed taters are definitely...unique.

    I second the shout out to Lord of the Beans. It's the only Veggie Tales DVD we own and it was bought for me, not the girls. I'll let you ponder that one a moment.

    Now that you've given a stirring tribute to the incredible wonder that is the spork, I'm left to wonder what will be next.

    Perhaps the Chinese take out chop sticks that are conveniently attached at one end?

    Looking forward to more Zzub world view.

  22. I have a set of silver I inherited from my grandmother that includes sporks! I'm told (by my other grandmother) that they're "ice cream forks," but I have never heard of such. You can see some of them on ebay.

  23. I have a big silver spork. It is actually pretty and I'm sure you would love to eat your stew with it. I can see you holding it now, like a caveman (you know, when you hold the spoon with your hand in a fist), shoveling your stew in your mouth. Mr. Frick gets the caveman action going on when I cook up a good bowl of stew. I think it's funny....and SOOOO Alabamaish.

    Do you all bang your bowl with your spoon when you eat cereal? That is one of my pet peeves....and Mr. Frick is the king of banging the bowl with his big spoon in the mornings.

    Moving on.

    La sad I'm more intrigued by the teeny tiny wooden spoon that comes tucked inside the single serving Ben and Jerry's ice cream cup. Now THOSE are cute.

    Borgety Borg sister!! La how are you? Miss you! We need to chat sometime and catch up!!!

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  25. Yes, I had posted a comment about the fact you link the gravy to the Comfort Inn hallway to 'crotch smell', but I ditched it.

    I'm ded though. And concerned.

  26. Next time your at popeyes choose the red beans and rice! Their bisquits with jam are petty tasty too! The potatoes an aquired hummus for cajuns.

    Did ya ever hear the little debbie song from about 10 years ago? Heeelarity! I think it was a radio station spoof that got picked up, but I cant eat a little debbie without the refrain going through my head!

    Little Debbie Little Debbie, heres a quarter now wont ya give me a little piece of your oatmeal pie?........ You make me want to a camel!

    Ok, I just realized those lyrics sound like a post from mel....